‘The Tortured Poets Department’ by Taylor Swift – 31 Songs Ranked

The Tortured Poets Department by Taylor Swift is here, and you know what that means:

It’s time to cry.

But once we’re done crying, it’s time to rank all 16 songs on Taylor’s brand new album. As always, we will start with the worst song on the record and make our way to the top, discussing the strengths and weaknesses of—

What was that?

Oh…oh, my god.

I apologize for the interruption, folks, but we are receiving word that 15 more songs have just entered the ranking. That’s right! For the first time in Taylor Swift history, we have 31 songs to discuss today in the Tea Circle.

(Count your days, Red (Taylor’s Version). If it weren’t for that 10-minute brick in your track list, this would be the longest album and you’d be out of a job.)

Pull up a chair, everyone. It’s time to get tortured and perhaps even a little poetic.

31. “Robin”

I’m sorry. I really am. But The Tortured Poets Department has been out for more than a month and “Robin” has failed to ascend my ranking list. I had it at 30th place opening weekend, and now I feel assured it’s my least favorite song on the record.

Taylor Swift has a wholesome habit of writing songs about young children and their innocence. However, we have bigger footballs to fetch on this album, and I just find that I can’t really be bothered to make time for “Robin” unless I’m out of reach of the skip button.

Sorry, kid. You’re on your own.

30. “The Manuscript”

I actually really enjoy the core message of “The Manuscript”—that an artist’s work begins to share ownership with its audience as soon as it is unveiled.

I’m not sure all the set dressings were necessary to get there, but I do find that message intriguing.

Regardless, I usually skip this song.

It’s tough to criticize my favorite artist so harshly, but “The Manuscript” may be the worst album closer in Taylor Swift’s discography, both in terms of its listenability and of its ability to conclude the core themes of the record.

I fear this one should’ve stayed in the drafts folder.

29. “Fresh Out The Slammer”

A distinctly western twang introduces this track, which I found compelling on first listen. But now, it feels like a lesser version of a more memorable visit to the Wild West later in the album.

I must confess something: despite Taylor’s hopes that we would stop performing a “paternity test” on each and every one of her songs, it’s impossible for me to judge this song without regard to its most likely subject.

For that reason, I feel grateful at the candid look inside Taylor’s headspace in the moment she wrote this song, but ultimately disapproving of the thoughts she’s sharing here.

Back to the slammer, blondie!

28. “Clara Bow”

Here’s another song whose message I do appreciate, despite the low ranking. This is about as poetically as she could’ve possibly described the struggles of young girls in music—how they’re compared to industry legends as their souls are exchanged for money and fame, all while they’re told they’re “the next big thing.”

It feels like a more subtle warning than, say, “The Lucky One.” I love the way Taylor branches Clara Bow to Stevie Nicks to herself and beyond. It’s a point beautifully illustrated through song, in a less explicit manner than she could’ve settled for.

I like “Clara Bow.” I like other songs on The Tortured Poets Department more.

27. “imgonnagetyouback”

I don’t really vibe with “imgonnagetyouback” overall, but it does have its moments. I like the line “I’m an Aston Martin that you steered straight into the ditch.”

The chorus is rather mediocre, I’m afraid, but I do really like the bridge. “Bygones will be bygone eras fading into gray,” in particular, scratches an itch for me.

I must share this unfortunate coincidence, though: it appears one of Taylor Swift’s students took a page from her playbook before she had the chance to publish it herself; another pop song in recent memory is eerily similar in title and theme.

26. “The Black Dog”

The construction of “The Black Dog” is nice. I like that little burst of energy on “Old habits die screaming.”

The thought of tracking an ex who forgot to stop sharing their location is uniquely 21st century, yet feels universal in its delivery here. The mood is unmistakable.

The bridge is a stripped-down confession, and I like the lyrics “six weeks of breathing cleaning air, I still miss the smoke.” It reminds me of an old favorite on 1989.

25. “I Hate It Here”

This song’s a little direct in a way I’ve criticized songs for before on this website.

On certain days, though, that nice little guitar arrangement draws me into liking this tune much more. The vocals and harmonies are quite lovely as well.

When I think about The Tortured Poets Department, I do often think of the lyric “I hate it here so I will go to lunar valleys in my mind.” I guess that counts as a plus.

This track isn’t a standout on the album, but it has a time and place. In other words—I’m glad we have it, but it’s clear why it wasn’t on the standard edition.

24. “The Alchemy”

I just did a double-take at my ranking list.

This album is really next-level, because from here on, I can listen to each song without skipping any of them.

“The Alchemy” is Taylor Swift’s first song about Travis Kelce, so I was sold from get-go.

This song was initially much higher on my list, but it lacks any real hard-hitting qualities to compete with the career-high songs found elsewhere on the album.

Still, it’s a cute little love song. And wouldn’t Fearless-era Taylor be gagged to learn that someday she would do great things and date the boy on the football team? Talk about having your cake and eating it too!

23. “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived”

I write this blog post after Taylor Swift’s first-ever performance of “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” on the European leg of The Eras Tour. The bridge swells to epic heights, with leagues of drummers getting shot down around Taylor before she, too, collapses dead on the stage.

Since it’s one of the best performances in The Eras Tour to date, you can imagine how it’s thrown my ranking into doubt.

But I’m sticking to it.

Here’s the issue: “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” has a very strong bridge—one of the best on the album. But the verses just don’t do it for me. I’m a little bored.

Thus, the price of admission feels too high. I wouldn’t call this an outright bad song, but I sometimes skip “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived.” Don’t blame me.

22. “Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus”

Aaron Dessner’s flittering little up-and-down instrumental hooked me from the first time I heard it. It sounds like it would play in the background of heavy thoughts that are never shared with their subject.

The lyrics, too, are worthy companions to the underlying production elements. “Your hologram stumbled into my apartment, hands in the hair of somebody in darkness” instantly captivates me every time.

Not bad at all.

21. “thanK you aIMee”

The Tortured Poets Department is a goldmine of Dessnerian productions, and “thanK you aIMee” is another great example. If you like acoustic guitar, I hope you’re having as much fun as I am.

The story of growing better and stronger as a result of a bully’s antics works fine here, but what I really love about this song are its fingerstyle guitar moments complemented by shuffling percussion elements (both acoustic and synthesized).

Swifties immediately latched onto an identity for Aimee—none other than Kim Kardashian. It would certainly make sense in this context, but now that we now there really was someone named Aimee in Taylor’s hometown, who’s to say who she’s really singing about?

Regardless, I enjoy “thanK you aIMee” each time I hear it.

An aside: for anyone keeping count, this makes two cryptic pop songs in the world about someone named Amy.

20. “So High School”

As a concept, “So High School” threatens to feel like a retread of adolescent Swiftian territory.

Thankfully, it manages to avoid that pitfall.

And again, the irony of her dating a football player is simply unmissable in the context of her career thus far.

She might’ve warned her bestie against prioritizing a football player over personal goals when they were in high school. But meeting a football player so publicly infatuated with you after your last boyfriend wanted to keep you in the basement? That’ll change a girl.

All that aside, I can’t stop thinking about the line “Truth, dare, spin, bottles / You know how to ball; I know Aristotle.” And that muted 2000s-style electric guitar really pokes my nostalgia nerve.

This one’s a touchdown.

19. “I Look In People’s Windows”

This one may well have been recorded at Long Pond Studio. The production is so barebones that Taylor’s plaintive vocals are almost completely alone with that unforgettable guitar flair.

“I Look In People’s Windows” is the shortest song in Taylor Swift’s entire discography, but it uses its time very wisely. It centers on the metaphor of watching others’ lives through windows.

In modern reality, this equates to seeing what everyone’s up to on social media, even if a post isn’t directly meant for you. We see so much of each other’s lives that, post-breakup, you never know which mutual friend will post your ex in a tweet or Instagram story. So, I find the metaphor apt.

This track makes a strong impression in record time.

18. “Cassandra”

Vulnerability and autobiography are critical parts of Taylor Swift’s brand. But during the folklore and evermore eras, she started inventing characters to play out imagined plot points in her songs.

“Cassandra” feels like a hybrid of both those approaches.

Cassandra is mentioned in both first- and third-person point of view. Taylor manages to convey Cassandra’s experience as her own, in a way that feels both metaphorical and to-the-point.

Instrumentally, the resemblance to “mad woman” is unmistakable. I have to imagine that, in an era Taylor has dubbed “Female Rage: The Musical,” this was 100% intentional.

17. “Florida!!! (feat. Florence + the Machine)”

Florence has one of the most worthwhile features in Taylor Swift’s catalogue. That alone makes “Florida!!!” worth a listen.

I really like how distinct this song is from everything else on the album. This record spends most of its runtime in sadness and rage, so this upbeat break is welcome.

I appreciate Taylor’s usage of Florida as a metaphor for any place people go to escape, start over, get high, or disappear.

However, I do feel that idea only goes so far, and I’m left wanting just a little more from this duet.

16. “loml”

As soon as the track list for The Tortured Poets Department dropped, Swifties started speculating on all the phrases “loml” could be abbreviating. The most obvious, “love of my life,” is used for most of the song in tragic reflection on a relationship that was once full of love.

Then, at the end, we’re brought to the disastrous conclusion: “You’re the loss of my life.”

This is one of the absolute saddest songs on the album. It’s what I expected the entire record to be, but I’m so thankful it’s not.

Because this one hurts.

Taylor’s pain is palpable. Am I allowed to cry?

15. “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart”

This song immediately follows “loml” on the track list. It couldn’t be a more different song.

I saw the vision right away.

Because on an album with some of the most crushing heartbreak songs Taylor Swift has ever written, “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart” shines like a freshly polished mirrorball.

This song is upbeat to obnoxious levels, with Taylor singing “I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday…every day! / I cry a lot but I am so productive! It’s an art.” The production choices are so boldly out of place that I feel they must be communicating a deeper meaning.

I try to imagine going through the hardest days of my life on a stage brighter than the sun, trying to give tens of thousands of fans the best night of their lives. Imagine looking your glittery, smiling face in the mirror when all you want to do is curl up and cry yourself to sleep.

That’s enough to make anyone feel like they’ve lost their damn mind.

In that context, I think this is an absolutely absurd parody of a bubblegum pop song.

I felt so bad for Taylor when I played this song for the first time. I laughed, but I also wanted to cry.

This song helps anchor the record in a specific point in time, which Taylor assures us has already passed. I’m happy she doesn’t feel “miserable” anymore, or that “nobody even knows.” It was brave to share that she wasn’t always happy in her most shimmery moments last year, but I’m happy she did.

She closes the song with a few unforgettable words: “Try and come for my job.”

14. “The Tortured Poets Department”

This is some of the easiest listening on the album.

I’m having fun anytime I’m listening to “The Tortured Poets Department.”

I do find this an interesting track to inspire the title of the whole album. She uses the phrase to mock a lover’s pretentious affectations, in a way that makes me wonder if this whole album is supposed to make fun of those who take themselves too seriously.

That doesn’t quite make sense to me, as the feelings across this record feel deeply serious to me. Maybe she had a good laugh after getting it all out of her system? Who’s to say.

Regardless, this record’s title track features Taylor’s voice cruising easily over a basketball-court-esque beat. I like it.

13. “But Daddy I Love Him”

Taylor Swift finally says this loud and clear: she is an adult who gets to make her own choices (good, bad, or treacherous) in romantic partners.

I think there have been legitimate criticisms about multiple boyfriends in Taylor’s very public dating life. That said, I am absolutely obsessed with her laying down the law with this song.

The first thing I noticed about this album is Taylor’s lack of filter. “But Daddy I Love Him” exemplifies that perfectly.

“I’m having his baby. No I’m not, but you should see your faces,” she taunts. And in a soaring post-chorus, she lets the world have it:

I’ll tell you something right now

I’d rather burn my whole life down

Than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning

I’ll tell you something about my good name

It’s mine alone to disgrace

I don’t cater to all these vipers dressed in empath’s clothing

Taylor Swift’s 11th record just wouldn’t be the same without this song. And The Eras Tour is forever changed with its addition.

12. “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”

What was just sort of whatever on first listen has evolved so quickly to become a genuine pleasure to my ears.

This song is just so sexy.

I’m obsessed with the western aesthetic evoked through its instrumentals. Taylor’s voice weaves between sledgehammers as they strike railroad spikes. Distorted guitar chords wobble like mirages over a desert horizon. You can almost see Taylor’s hand hovering over her holster, ready to quickdraw and outshoot the scoundrel across the bar.

It’s unlike anything else in Taylor’s catalogue. But when I reflect on her past work, I do see a family resemblance with “False God” and “Cowboy Like Me.”

This is not at all the type of song I expected to hear on The Tortured Poets Department, but I’m so glad she included it.

P.S. Are you kidding me with this bridge? “Good boy. That’s right. Come close. I’ll show you heaven if you’ll be an angel all night. Trust me, I can handle me a dangerous man.” I’m a little turned on?

11. “Peter”

Sometimes you have to listen to your friends. When I had this at number 23 on my initial ranking, my best friend told me to reconsider. And she was right!

(This, by the way, is why we don’t write album reviews until we’ve given a record a few weeks to marinate. A few entertainment publications missed the memo, I fear.)

“Peter” is a great song. Its lyrics feel rich and earnest, serious but not dour. The 3/4 time signature lends a unique flavor to a song that, so late in the album, faces the unfair task of being different enough from every song that comes before it.

I can hear “Peter” as a song about a lover or an old friend, and I think it’s neat that it works either way (even both ways at once).

I’m still digesting the lyrical connections to Peter Pan and Neverland. I’d be happy to hear your thoughts on Taylor’s intentions when she integrated that classic story into this song!

10. “How Did It End?”

Retrospective to a devastating degree, “How Did It End?” is a mournful look over the shoulder at the circumstances leading to a happy relationship’s demise.

Depending on the day you ask me, I might call this the saddest song on the album.

A relentlessly dismal 1-2-3 of the piano scores this tragic film. I’ve seen it before and dreaded the ending, but loved how it was written.

I could not believe it when I heard that Taylor Swift had separated from Joe Alwyn in April 2023. I couldn’t believe that Taylor would break up with the man who inspired “Lover” and “Sweet Nothing” and “Delicate” and “Paper Rings” and “peace” and “invisible string.”

I cried, and I don’t even know these people.

It’s hard to imagine bearing the weight of all the questions when you can barely believe the circumstances yourself. “How Did It End?” captures that moment perfectly in song.

I’m prepared to name this bridge my favorite on the album:

Say it once again with feeling

How the death rattle breathing

Silenced as the soul was leaving

The deflation of our dreaming

Leaving me bereft and reeling

Me beloved ghost and me

Sitting in a tree

D-Y-I-N-G

“How Did It End?” rose 17 places to become the biggest gainer between my opening-weekend ranking of The Tortured Poets Department and my second ranking made two weeks later. Let this one simmer, and it’ll be worth the box of tissues.

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9. “Down Bad”

Given a thousand tries, I’m not sure I ever would’ve guessed that this album would give us cowboys and aliens.

But for a song about thirsting over someone you’ll never have, set in the vocabulary and sound design of a space invasion movie? Count me in.

Taylor Swift continues to defy her pop star expiration date, and that’s thanks in large part to her undying passion for surprising us.

“Down Bad” is a great surprise.

Jack Antonoff’s production style feels very familiar to Swifties at this point. Some of us (dare I confess myself included?) have grown concerned that this could threaten Taylor’s reputation for reinvention.

This song almost single-handedly quelled those fears for me.

“Down Bad” feels like a cousin of “Midnight Rain”—not in its lyrical content, but in its exceptionally celestial and atmospheric soundscape.

Taylor embedded the alien theme masterfully here. It doesn’t feel corny or campy at all; it actually feels quite fresh. Like human brains right out of the sk—

8. “Guilty As Sin?”

This is probably Taylor Swift’s horniest song to date. Just look at this:

My bedsheets are ablaze

I’ve screamed his name

Building up like waves

Crashing over my grave

Without ever touching his skin,

How can I be guilty as sin?

We’ve all been there before.

And honestly, it’s hard to produce a single criticism of this song. I love Taylor’s voice. I love the music. I love the energy and vibes throughout. (You can be horny, Taylor. I’m not scared.)

“What if he’s written ‘mine’ on my upper thigh only in my mind?” quickly established itself as an essential lyric on the album, for me.

The song feels mild yet passionate in its verses, and impossibly smooth in its choruses. I would put it somewhere in the “Style” family of mid-tempo jams.

I love the touch at the end, too, when one cello sings over another’s plucked notes. It’s beautiful.

7. “The Albatross”

Folklore.

That’s what “The Albatross” gives. And I can think of no higher praise.

I’m not in love with the phrase “wise men once read fake news, and they believed it,” but that little blemish is eclipsed by several turns of phrase that I love.

For example: “Devils that you know raise worse hell than a stranger.” Brilliant.

“The Albatross” feels crisp and natural in its instrumental features. In three short minutes, it soars effortlessly over troubled waters, bringing us along for the ride. It’s a perfect listening experience.

6. “The Prophecy”

Despite the wide variety of subjects explored on The Tortured Poets Department, it feels centered on one specific event more than any other album in Taylor’s discography. Heartbreak is its most defining theme, and on multiple occasions we’re invited into the fallout of a failed 7-year relationship.

“The Prophecy” depicts Taylor’s pain in an immediately-relevant but also reflective way; it’s directly inspired by her most recent breakup, yet it encompasses all her other breakups as well.

Her perfect relationship ended the way all her other relationships did, so is it her destiny to be alone?

I can’t think of another Taylor Swift song that asks this exact question. It’s uniquely heartbreaking.

The song is sonically gorgeous, which highlights that pain in high contrast. The guitar is perfect. Taylor’s voice stuns as she begs the universe to change her destiny.

I like the Dorothean cooing after the bridge, too. It’s a nice touch.

5. “Fortnight (feat. Post Malone)”

I think we all knew, in some sense, what was coming when Taylor announced The Tortured Poets Department and we saw the album art for the first time.

I didn’t know what “The Prophecy” or “So Long, London” or “How Did It End?” sounded like yet, but I knew they were going to hit hard.

“Fortnight” is a different type of song.

The music video showcases a unique aesthetic for the new era. It’s dark, gothic, and colorless. But in its final moments, Post Malone grabs Taylor’s hand as she sings the song’s last, and most positive, note.

I love how true the song feels to the aesthetic of the album, while also hinting at some hope and optimism.

For that reason, I think it was a perfect choice for the album’s lead single.

I know Taylor wouldn’t have released this record if she didn’t want us to hear it. And yet, in a video shared just 24 hours after the album’s release, it’s clear she wants us not to feel bad for her, and to know that this music was written in one specific moment that has since passed.

All analysis aside, the song is also a pleasure to listen to. Its synth-pop beat feels familiar but not stale. The feelings are deep, but here they feel mellow.

Overall, this one’s a victory royale.

4. “The Bolter”

I’ll cut to the chase. “The Bolter” is a flawless song.

Like a handful of other songs on the record, it would fit perfectly on Taylor’s sister albums, folklore and evermore.

I’m listening to it as I write this, and I just can’t believe the 1-2 punch of melodies in the chorus.

First, we’re hit with that solid, “Started with a kiss / Oh, we must stop meeting like this / But it always ends up with a town car speeding / Out the door one evening.”

Then, the song really digs into my brainstem with the follow-up:

“All her f*ckin’ lives / Flashed before her eyes / It feels like the time / She fell through the ice.”

Look, it’s impossible for me to communicate these melodies on my blog in their full glory, so here’s a direct link to the lyric video.

“The Bolter,” tucked back into the 29th spot on the track list, shocked me with its infectiously catchy melodies. I still can’t believe it. How many more of these does Taylor have tucked away???

3. “So Long, London”

I think I speak for all Swifties when I say this was the most anticipated song on the album.

It does not disappoint. Not since 1776 has the world seen a more iconic separation of America from Britain.

And I have never in my life heard this tone in Taylor Swift’s voice. It’s catastrophically sad.

But this raw torment really helps carve out a unique place for The Tortured Poets Department within Taylor’s lengthy, well-explored discography. The album doesn’t depart drastically from the sounds of Midnights and folklore, but songs like “So Long, London” set a scene that feels brand new.

Taylor has had a reputation for writing breakup songs for nearly 18 years, but few convey the pain of separation like “So Long, London.”

I love how this song opens with a choral arrangement that instantly evokes images of Buckingham Palace. I love the uptempo beat—something I wouldn’t have expected if I had only read these lyrics on a page. I love the phrase “I kept calm and carried the weight of the rift.” I love the somewhat-sardonic-yet-dead-serious delivery of “Oh, the tragedy.” I love how, in the context of dating Travis Kelce, “So Long, London” becomes Taylor’s bookend on a decade-long fixation on English men.

The Tortured Poets Department offers plenty of surprises, but in terms of what we wanted and expected from the album, “So Long, London” is the centerpiece around which the rest of the record spins.

2. “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?”

Wrath.

That’s the first word that comes to mind.

Because in this era of unbridled emotion, we get the most raw, distilled version of each feeling Taylor felt in that mid-2023 whirlwind. And here, it’s most definitely wrath. The thesis here is “Don’t f*ck with me, because I’m nice but I also wield great power.”

“Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” quickly emerged as a favorite for me.

It’s so atmospheric. So witchy. So fearsome, wretched, and wrong in all the right ways. It’s hard to escape this sequence of lyrics:

So I leap down the gallows and I levitate down your street

Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream

‘Who’s afraid of little old me?’

. . . You should be.

And, of course, I would be remiss not to mention the internet’s favorite line on the album—”You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.”

I’ve loved this song since the first time I heard it. But now that I’ve seen her sing it live at The Eras Tour (courtesy of Tik Tok livestream), I can confidently call this track a highlight on the album and one of the very best stage performances Taylor Swift has ever done.

She put narcotics in this song, for sure.

1. “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys”

My bones are shaking. My teeth are rattling. My walls are breaking and my windows are shattering. Because when this song comes on, the volume gets cranked all the way up.

This song is so elite. It hooks you like “Getaway Car.” It compels you to sing like “Cruel Summer.” It levitates you like “Out of the Woods” with a post-chorus that leads (with little warning) to a bridge so captivating you can’t help dancing each time you hear it.

And just when I was starting to doubt that Jack had new tricks up his sleeve, he reminded me why he’s Taylor Swift’s most trusted bop maker. I promise to never doubt him again.

On an album that focuses on sorrowful ruminations of post-breakup Taylor, “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” stands out like a pink Barbie doll in a drawer full of Annabelles.

But what I love most is that it doesn’t sacrifice any key thematic elements in the process. It feels relevant to the rest of the album, just completely unique in its style.

I can’t believe I’m writing this about a track on The Tortured Poets Department, but “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” is one of Taylor Swift’s most legendary pop songs. Like, ever.

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Thank you so much for reading my track-by-track album review of The Tortured Poets Department by Taylor Swift. I hope to see you here again soon!

T