Taylor Swift’s 12th era is upon us. “The Life of a Showgirl” is still breaking records as I write this, two months after release. This album had the biggest opening sales week of all time, and earned streaming numbers even I didn’t think were possible.
The greatest showgirl knows how to surprise even her most loyal fans.
Thank you for joining me in the Tea Circle to engage in the timeless tradition of ranking all the songs on a new Taylor Swift album. It’s a special and cherished day.
The glitter hasn’t yet settled on the dressing room floor, but I think we’re ready to hit our marks, just like we rehearsed.
So put a kettle on, grab your copy of the album, and let the show begin!
12. “Eldest Daughter”
Trust me–I’m as shocked as you that Track 5 on The Life of a Showgirl turned out to be…this.
I’ve tried to give this song grace. Hearing Taylor explain the intention behind it, I almost buy it. Sometimes an artist’s vision gets lost in translation, though, and I’m devastated to share that that’s happened here.
It’s tough when your vision was “I don’t fit in and I sound cringey when I try to use slang.” Because, well, it shows! There are several lines that activate my cheugometer, despite knowing the context.
The second verse and the bridge are actually quite good, and do their best to redeem this song. Sadly, it’s not enough. This one’s skippy and dishonors the sacred Track 5 spot on the track list.
In fact, this is easily the worst Track 5 we’ve ever gotten.
11. “The Life of a Showgirl (feat. Sabrina Carpenter)”
The title track on TS12 does a fine job delivering the album’s thesis–that fame and fortune comes with a whole lot of trouble and isn’t always glamorous.
Did the rest of the album deliver that point cohesively? Is this final act a satisfying finale to all the numbers that came before? It looks like the audience is shaking their heads.
I like that this one gets a little theatrical in the bridge. I like Sabrina’s verse. I like that they incorporated real audio from The Eras Tour in the outro.
My biggest problems are, unfortunately, right at the top of the number.
Explaining my criticism requires a confession: Normally, I don’t really care if words rhyme perfectly in a song. There are thousands of amazing lyrics in music that, technically, don’t exactly rhyme with each other. As long as the flow is smooth, I can forgive it. (Honestly, I hardly even notice and think it’s odd when others do.)
But, my God, do those lines not rhyme in the first verse. It feels like every sentence ends with a crunch. You know it’s bad when I notice, and the clunkiness makes it nearly impossible for me to get into this song.
It’s extra jarring because the first three lines rhyme perfectly:
Her name was Kitty.
Made her money being pretty and witty.
They gave her the keys to this city.
Then they said she didn’t do it legitly.
The choice to go off the rails with a dubious made-up adverb for the last word is crazy to me. And it gets worse from here:
I bought a ticket.
She’s dancing in her garters and fishnets.
50 in the cast, zero missteps.
Looking back, I guess it was kismet.
I can’t do it. I’m really sorry, Taylor, but if this is “The Life of a Showgirl,” I’d hate to see her death.
10. “Wi$h Li$t”
“Wi$h Li$t” feels quite simple. It’s giving “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” but make it Kelce.
To the song’s credit, I don’t detect any fuckassness (definition: having or possessing qualities that one could deem fuckass). In fact, I quite like when the chord progression switches up in the second verse. I find the instrumental perfectly fine. Interesting, even! Same for the very specific examples of things on others’ wish lists. “They want that spring break that was fuckin’ lit, and then that video taken off the internet.” The song may be simple, but there are still hints of that Swiftian specificity we’ve come to expect.
I just can’t pretend to love “Wi$h Li$t.” I skip it approximately 87% of the time.
(“Please, God, bring me a best friend who I think is hot” is relatable, though!)
9. “Actually Romantic”
I can’t believe there’s a Taylor Swift song with the lyrics “It’s kind of making me wet.”
Otherwise, this track feels pretty unremarkable. It screams 2006 pop-punk to a generic fault. I half expected Avril Lavigne to jump in on backing vocals. Maybe The All-American Rejects?
All to say–what a strange, unique moment for Taylor. The number of songs she’s written about her relationships to other celebrities is mountainous at this point, so I will give “Actually Romantic” its flowers for doing something new, for saying that the way her name stays in her haters’ mouths crosses from confrontational to erotic.
It’s enough to make my head spin 360, maybe 365 degrees around!
8. “Honey”
It’s hard to think of another Taylor Swift song that flows like this. With bright, warm instrumentals and a dash of R&B melody, “Honey” leaves a sweet aftertaste. The verses mix with and stick to the chorus, which drizzles like syrup into the bridge in turn. It’s a scenic, languid stroll down a sunlit garden path. A well-deserved moment of love for our queen.
“But youuuuuu…touch my faAAaaace” has pollinated my subsconscious, too. I don’t think there’s been a day yet when I haven’t sang this aloud spontaneously.
“Honey” rises no higher on my ranking, though, because I find it just a touch too explanatory for my liking. Taylor really delineates why it means so much for Travis to call her honey. Which is fine. Lovely, even. I’m not complaining. I’m just not buzzing about it.
7. “CANCELLED!”
What a mixed bag.
“CANCELLED!” brings us some of the worst lyrics on the album and one of the strongest instrumentals.
I’m afraid this is another song whose meaning is lost out of context. In relation to the media and the internet’s treatment of Taylor and her friends for minor (or even false) things? Sure! Absolutely. It works.
But what do you think when you hear the words “I like my friends cancelled”? Out of context, it definitely raises the question “Uhh…cancelled for what?”
Taylor is a master of identifying popular phrases in the online vernacular and using them for her song titles. Here are some examples:
- “Down Bad”
- “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”
- “I Hate It Here”
- “Hits Different”
- “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”
- “I Wish You Would”
Usually, I see the track list and think “Uh-oh, this one could be cringey.” And I love that I’m usually wrong. The way she repurposes and reimagines each of these phrases generally works and surprises me.
Furthermore, I believe most artists would deliver these phrases self-referentially, with a wink and a nod to make sure we know they’re being ironic.
Taylor Swift is dead serious. And even in her cringiest, cheugiest moments, I revere her for that.
Unfortunately, the word “cancelled” comes with so much baggage and was a big swing, even for Taylor. That’s maybe the last word I would try to reinvent for a pop song.
I’m afraid it was a miss.
At best, the listener might find this song edgy in a forceful way. Like, “Wow, she really thinks she’s hardcore, huh?” Or maybe, “Wow, this is giving Suicide Squad soundtrack.”
At worst, the listener could mistake this song as a celebration of bad (even disgusting) misdeeds.
The nuance of being cancelled when you haven’t done anything wrong is lost.
No one is more deserving to make this song. I see what she was trying to do. It’s just a shame it didn’t quite work.
…
All that said–If you turn your brain off for three and a half minutes, this song rocks.
6. “Opalite”
“Opalite” is a marvelous tune.
I have zero complaints about this bright, sunshiny track. If anything, it’s just a little too bright for the season. I bet it will hit different in the summer. But for now, it’s almost blindingly cheerful. I know it’s a good song; I’m just having trouble getting really into it.
I love the sliding guitar chords, and this song has one of the strongest bridges on the album.
I see fantastic crystalline colors refracting sunbeams around the room. I see the world through sunglasses, smell the coconut sunscreen on my skin, and hear the ice cubes clinking around in my Taylor Swift tumbler.
I think “Opalite” will have broad appeal to the general public, and can’t wait to listen to it when it’s sunny outside again.
(No, I am not one of the many Swifties hearing Christmas in this song.)
5. “Wood”
I’m a little shocked at how high this ended up.
On first listen, I was so surprised we had a Taylor Swift song about Travis Kelce’s large penis that I missed some genuinely great production elements. Through the redwood trees, it was hard to clock the pristine Jackson 5-esque groove lying under the vocals, or the almost comically enthusiastic harmonies.
And two rhythmic knocks on wood leading to the chorus? I’m HOOKED. Few moments on Showgirl activate my dance reflex like that. It’s so fun!
In the face of such content matter, this song is actually pretty tasteful and well-produced. Sue me.
It’s a hard left turn for Taylor Swift, but I’m not complaining. Turn it up!
(Also: What am I going to do, sit here and write about how appalled I am, listening to a song about dick?)
4. “Ruin The Friendship”
“My advice is always ruin the friendship. Better that than regret it for all time.”
Exactly the advice I didn’t need, mother.
Truly, who among us hasn’t had friends in life we wanted to kiss? Who we wanted to take down to new depths, but stopped in fear they would recoil and never talk to us again?
I’m not exactly sure why this song is on The Life of a Showgirl, but I love it!
The autobiographical gut punch in the bridge cements this as a truly legendary and quintessential Taylor Swift song. Taylor delivers the song’s message in personal, tragic, and real detail.
If you don’t speak now, she warns, you may truly never get the chance. You just never know.
This is another one I never would have expected from this record, but I’m so happy to have it.
3. “Father Figure”
In a music scene full of half-assed pop music samples, Taylor Swift repurposed George Michael’s iconic “Father Figure” and made a completely fresh, very elite track. It fascinates me that she loved the phrase “father figure” so much that she interpolated it without copying the melody or any other lyrics / meanings from the original.
“Father Figure” is truly one-of-a-kind in Taylor’s discography.
This song definitely tells the most compelling story on the album, with multiple ways to interpret its themes of ownership, wealth, fame, and power.
Like “My Tears Ricochet,” “Father Figure” centers on Taylor’s music ownership battle. And like “My Tears Ricochet,” it’s so rich with metaphor that if you knew nothing about that saga, you could still enjoy it.
This one hits a little differently from everything else before, because now Taylor does have ownership of all her music.
“Father Figure” feels like a celebration to Swifties. After a career-long power dynamic that left Taylor only partially in control of her work, she has finally come out on top. The final 60 seconds of this track, blessed with an upward key change, feel so triumphant it brings a tear to my eye.
There is no other Taylor Swift song like this.
2. “The Fate of Ophelia”
What an all-timer.
“The Fate of Ophelia” has spent 70 days (and counting!) at #1 on the global Spotify chart. It is going toe-to-toe with colossal Christmas hits that dominate the Billboard Hot 100 every December. I’m writing two and a half months after the album’s release, and still cannot tell you with confidence just how massive this song will become.
For now, suffice it to say that we have another elite Taylor Swift pop song on our hands.
I love “The Fate of Ophelia” for its unexpected (but apt) reference to Shakespeare. I love how it transitions us smoothly from THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT to this new era. I love the instrumentals and the musical time changes. Those Swedes did it again, setting a spectacular stage for Taylor’s lyrics, and the world will never be the same.
I believe this is technically the best song on The Life of a Showgirl. An exceptional pop hit.
1. “Elizabeth Taylor”
Showgirl is a great pop album, but only one song delivered the vibes I felt were promised by Taylor Swift’s most sickeningly fierce album photoshoot of all time:
“Elizabeth Taylor.”
This track knocks me off my feet every time I hear it. When that first “Elizabeth Taylor…. Do you think it’s forever?” reverberates in my ears, my body goes into fight-or-flight mode. Goosebumps rise on my skin and adrenaline fills my veins.
This song feels like Midnights and Reputation‘s divine love child. (As I write this, I realize that this song’s structure isn’t so different from “I Did Something Bad,” with its mild verses and explosive choruses.)
“Elizabeth Taylor” doesn’t just hit hard, though; It twists the knife with such sultry, seductive music choices, unique to anything else in Taylor’s catalogue, that inspire intrigue and awe, play after play after play.
That little piano arpeggio on the 2nd beat in the choruses? Sublime. LUXE. We’re dripping in jewels. The bass is rattling the chandeliers.
I’m already getting my life when she throws in an unexpected melody on the bridge. The way she sings “All my white diamonds and lovers are forever” takes this song from good to euphoric.
This song gives atmosphere. It gives luxury. It gives drama and theatrics. I cannot listen to it loudly enough!
This is exactly what I wanted from The Life of a Showgirl.
Thanks for stopping in for Tyler’s Tea Time and reading my review of The Life of a Showgirl by Taylor Swift. Stick around for more album rankings like this one, as well as an updated version of my Taylor Swift Albums Ranking.
Xoxo,
T
Tyler's Tea Time 